1 Share of Enron Corporation

Due to some problems relating to his personal life, a certain executive, who shall remain nameless—is selling some stock. One share at a time. We have been allocated some shares and are proud to be able to offer these to you at a competitive rate. Be there or be square…

One to a customer, please. Remember the Enron energy formula: e = m x c ².

A Bucket of Warm Spit

Certified to be more valuable than the Vice-Presidency of the United States (VPOTUS). Rushed to your home or office in a heated and insulated container by former Pizza couriers in one hour or less. Contains two liters.

3.3 kilograms, wrapped and packaged to go.

ignore this: אבגךהוזחט’כךלמםןןסעפףצץקרת אבג /’קראטוןםפ][.ץתצמנהבסזש€װ ױײװ€₪₪₪ 333₪ 67.₪345ץ

A Dead Mouse

Our housecat has “volunteered” to help build the family business. She has been bringing us dead mice for years—now we know why! One per customer.

A good source of protein.

Attack Duck

Defend Your Home! These trained and specially bred attack ducks will hold and injure any intruder of any size, shape or species. Don’t let the bastards win!

Bellybutton Lint

1 gram of lint collected from the bellybuttons of monks meditating in the Himalayan mountains of Tibet. A steal at twice the price!

Brooklyn Bridge

Reliably connecting Manhattan and Brooklyn in the middle of New York City since 1883, this landmark bridge designed by John Augustus Roebling and his son Washington Roebling serves both vehicles and pedestrians. Now, due to a series of financial mishaps, the City of New York is forced to sell this amazing piece of engineering and architecture for a tremendous discount.

Included in the price is the legal right to charge tolls, so that you may recoup your expenses in a reasonable time. Act now before it’s too late!

Buggy Whip

The effective people in any society are those who get things done faster. So, what are you waiting for? Improve the speed of your carriage or buggy by stimulating the equine component to ever higher levels of performance! Get going or move over!

Diphtheria Bacillus

A whole passel of “Corynebacterium diphtheriae” in infectious form—ready to strike. Do not confuse with the malaria parasite, available separately. Put some in your friends beer as a great “Gag” gift!

The CDC describes diphtheria as “an upper respiratory tract illness characterized by sore throat, low-grade fever, and an adherent membrane of the tonsil(s), pharynx, and/or nose”. Death is by asphyxiation.

Global Positioning System

With your own lever you can move the earth. Archimedes demonstrated that all you need to reposition the planet earth is a properly placed lever. We supply the lever at a good price, you supply the proper position.

Immortality

Live forever whether you want to or not! This makes an excellent gift along with “True Happiness”. Order both together today! This is a one-time price, not a yearly subscription, so order today.

Malaria Parasite

Your own live Plasmodium Falciparum in a warm test tube. Kept alive by our patented “Nurture Bath” technology, this microbe can be injected into your friends bloodstream for a great surprise!

Order yours today!

Meteor Insurance

Prepare yourself for the big one! When a comet or meteor strikes the earth, you may not survive, but your estate could be worth millions. This is a monthly premium rate. The benefit is a cool $100,000 upon proof of death by meteor.

Does not cover volcanoes, termites, terrorism, death by gangrene or toenail fungus.

Mt. St. Helens Ash

2 grams of volcanic ash left over from the titanic explosion of Mount St. Helens. Once common, this ash is now a collectors item.

New Orleans Mud

1 milliliter of mud from the New Orleans flood of 2005, swept from the streets of New Orleans by idealistic volunteers and city employees.

Pile of Crap

A full liter of human excrement hermetically sealed in a tough plastic container. The item will be shipped in a plain brown wrapper and is guaranteed to be less than two weeks old when delivered. The sample is further guaranteed to be free of significant parasites such as hook worm or tape worm. We don’t know why people buy these things but since we’ve started offering it the demand has been constant.

Sox Switcher

Changes right sox into left sox and vice versa. Uses much less electricity than former models, rated Energy Star #1.

Space Elevator

Let those satellites climb themselves to orbit with your 21st century space elevator!

Spit Remover

Suck the spit right out of your mouth!

Stapler Sexer

Check the gender of every stapler in your office with our new Stapler Sexer from Zydeco!

Stomach Enlarger

Let’s face it, size matters. Impress your lover with the size of your stomach after a few easy treatments with our new stomach enlarger. Walk with new confidence knowing you have the largest stomach in the room.

Specify male or female.

World Peace

Let peace reign throughout the planet! Finally, an end to war and violence in your lifetime!

Buy now and avoid the holiday rush.